School was better this year than last year for me, definitely. (Though its still not good in general... I don't wish to return to JC). But maybe I'll go one day soon to see teachers or something.

JC oppressed me. There was huge work load and it was emotionally draining. On the other hand, it impelled me to cling onto the cross and earnestly seek God. My walk with God wasn't good in the first half of 2008 but after that it was generally good.

I took H3 (some extra higher level stuff) for a while in JC2 and I dropped it. I don't regret it. In passing JC, I developed a philosophy not to work too hard and stress myself up (if that's what you call "try my best") and neglect other aspects of my life. After all, what do we study for? When I work, I don't want to focus so much on career. So if you're my future wife I'll not neglect you for work XD. And a, if you ever have problems in physics you can ask me XD.

Cebu mission trip was great :) An eye-opener indeed. And a new "realm" of simple happiness in the children, and relationships are highly valued and sort after. All eager to love be loved. Just like the children in Cambodia (I dunno how to spell "Pnonpen") that the mission team shared today (I was "boredly free" but forgot to pray for them >.<). In my Cebu lessons learnt I wrote "We are made to have relationships" - firstly with God, then with others. In developed countries and cities we, by culture, "mind our own business". How did it develop? Privacy? Rather we want to hide our sin just like adam and eve did. I did some GP comprehensions on this kind of thing so I have some thoughts.

Being in church for 3 years, OAK is the cell group I have spent the longest time in and with. I think its a nice cell group we had. Its fun. And its also where I first shared about my troubles with in detail, in the blog. I hope to keep in touch with you guys. Hm not sure what else to say...

Honestly, I'm disappointed with myself in my aspiration and pursuit to be more outward. I guess I opened up a fair bit, ok I dont know - and its a little different in school and in church. But still, so many times I ask myself "Why am I so timid?" WHY?

This hit me in our JYM camp or DYC. I felt like I'm somehow back at square one. I was afraid of doing simple things I thought I overcame long ago. Felt like orientation in CJC. Just that the games weren't so disgusting and I wasn't feeling so utterly remorse about not being able to stay in SAJC.

I was dead quiet to Alex my roommate about it, who happily made his letters and stuff hahaha.

Oh, I think I had an asthma attack on the 2nd night of camp. I woke up at 5am and I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt 10 times smaller. So I went to the toilet and kafglzksolxhucvrigivanibrt . Never happened to me before, maybe except when I was really young, like 3 years old.

And my discouragement/depression from camp (sort of stopped for a while and then) continued (lingered on) till some time near Christmas. I was hiding it. Just at the point where I felt I couldn't bear it any longer, it stopped. Weird.

The one thing I said on the camp afterglow that I can remember was about what I thought God's intention of doing this was: to bring me back to where I come from as a Christian. After saying it that day I thought it was just some random thing but looking back I think maybe God told me that (i.e. it may be true). If I grow out of this misery so fast I won't be able to connect and share with others experiencing similar troubles in the future. ok I'm getting sleepy. i write so ... i put random things here n there.

+ maybe God wants to "Cut away all within me that won't bear fruit"?

I came across this song that touched me.

Break me open

Tear me down

Into pieces

Broken crumbs

On the ground

You can mould me and shape me

In your image

Breathe your life

You know I need it

Scars make us stronger for life

Don't turn your laughing eyes away

You know I love you

There's no need to be afraid

Hearts are meant to be broken

They get stronger by the day

I'll take a chance and drop all my defenses

Just to hear you say

How long is the road

How long is the ride

How long is the darkness till we get to light

Go easy on me

Cause you already know

No matter the distance

I'll stay on the road to your heart

By the way, I believe my confidence in myself is put down much by (not so much about what happens but) the negative thoughts I have about myself. This is my (main) weak point. I don't have a sound mind. I get fooled by the devil easily and believe in his lies. I saw this verse in a book I'm reading now and thought its so apt for me to learn, though a little chim.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

I used to think of my negative thoughts as merely pessimism as opposed to optimism. Its more than that.

Quoted: "Many criminals talk about how they heard a voice in their head telling them to commit a crime and they just followed orders. When people are not taught to discern the voices in their head, they don't recognise the voice of the enemy. He is a clever deceiver who will come to each one of us and try to speak lies into our mind ... ... ... We have to catch his lies the minute they enter our minds so that we don't entertain them as truth and make ourselves miserable. One of the most difficult things about being a teenager is that you are such a passionate thinker. You feel things strongly."

I believe I am a passionate thinker. I must use this passion for God's glory, and not let the enemy turn it into a weapon against myself by believing his lies.

I feel a lot of agony in JYM and in school. Not only because of what I wrote about above that I have said many times that you may be tired of it, but also because I have a heart for you people. I have a heart for youth. That's why I come to JYM all the time, even through A levels. But it's still repressed in me. And I don't think it will fade away any time soon as I grow into an adult.

Did I break the record? 1306 word post.

*Edited Reflection*