Ryan
Joel Pang
Joycelyn
Joel Chua
Gabrielle Loo
Jun Ting
Kenneth
David Quah
Alex
DeborahIt started years back. Cant remember when, maybe when I was in Sec 1. It was my "problem". At first I taught it was just shyness and social struggles, then toward the end of sec 2 it was that I was restricting myself from doing a lot of things because I didnt want to sin - causing some kind of break down in how my character develops etc. Then in sec 3 I thought it was far deeper. I told 2 teachers about it and eventually my classmates but none - I dont think so - really believed or understood it. - anyway I dont think anyone would really understand except God, and perhaps one in a billion out there in the world... When I came to St James Church somehow at the period after the JYM camp (Christ and co) I was sure that God - not solved but - did something to it. I remember my words "It was like God took out the monster in me"...
I feel unsettled and I would like to share it, to share my burden... this was what caused me a great struggle with our faith last year... you guys the 1st and prob the only people id tell these things to, somehow...
So this was roughly what I wrote in my journal (it tends not to be accurate to what I want to express, I think - so dont take it as its 100% real):
I went for dinner with mummy. I didnt really talk to her, though she talked to me. I was in my own world. crazy world. crazy. I dont know how it started, as always. I just have the impression that this time it was about doubting God. Just thinking of God's power and what people have to say against it, all at the back of my mind. It was like an accidental trip and I went out of my safety zone. Suddenly I asked myself questions on how I know God is real and what REAL assurances I have that God is God... Then it led to the abyss. My mind was running about in the darkness and horror. I felt like I was fighting against being incontrollably insane (meaning like someone in mental hospital going crazy). It is essentially a fear. A great dark extreme, unfathomable fear. It is my greatest fear. When it was going on, I didnt feel like living. I felt that life was like being burnt in fire, feeling constant irresistable pain which doesnt fade away. And then after that when everything was over, I thought all of it was my own imagination. Because it is so not real. How on earth could I think of such things? In fact, I dont even know what i think of - or rather why what i think of makes me feel so pain, so PAIN, more painful than many other sufferings I believe. Deeper pain than almost anything. Its chaos and madness. It is like hell. It was like an evil spirit was trying to come and possess me. God help. help, I cry. Why should this happen to me, over and over again? Why must it be so frightening? This has caused me my crazy problem, not about low esteem or fear of being judged or made fun of. They might have played a part but this is essentially it. Madness. Though it is all in my mind I know it is real. Its not a one-off thing. it has happened, probably over 50 times.
May God be glorified through this and may not only I but we see that God's hand is indeed in this. In God I trust! On God I wait!
This caught my eye (from the previous post)
No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9
The next verse says "but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit"
With companionship
Kenneth