Ever since the Cebu trip, I have spent much time with God almost everyday. I get reminded of the times I grew dry and felt guilty and disappointed in myself. Actually my quiet time and walk with God became significantly more stable after June last year, after my "turning point". I serve the Lord in fear and trembling. I remember in DG (last year) I said I didnt want to backslide again, Never! While aware that I could never know what I would choose to do tomorrow - and therefore cannot promise anything to God - I said that (I wont backslide) with deep conviction in it. Well, its getting better and better, generally - Maybe because school is getting better...

And Im constantly inspecting myself. On 19 July (Sun) I wrote in my Journal, "Am I in communion with God? Or am I in my own world with my own wishes, influenced by having a relationship with God that is perverted? Many voices were in my head before JYM worship. Dividedness in my heart? I dont think so." - Ryan preached that day. Last saturday I asked again, "Waiting on God, am I?" I didnt do much work that day. I ran 3km+ in woodlands stadium, I was feeling restless. Felt like I wasted the day. Resting? ... My prelims are coming. God will take care of it? Go as the Lord leads? To what extent should I treat it as that God is leading me instead of myself?

So I say I am waiting on God. But in saying that I had some yearning for God to come and renew my strength, and satiate me...

One line in the "None but Jesus" song lyrics we sang in E3 last sunday caught my attention. "In the chaos and confusion, I know your soverign still."

I wanted to share this in Cell group. On 27 July (Mon) I came home from school like ~5+ or 6pm and did a little work and went out with parents for dinner (we usually have dinner together outside, just 3 of us). I came home at ~8+ or 9pm and I felt this something like a heart ache. Somehow I just decided to not do any work and just spent time talking to God. I suddenly had this strong emotion. I was feeling a lot for JYMers, like wondering how their lives were - so much... So I prayed for them. And prayed. And prayed. This includes you guys. Btw, sometimes I feel like talking to people in JYM but dont know how... like "How's life?" ... then "okay lor" "boring" .... or "stressful".... or whatever la...like...nothing..... So I just pray.

Today I think I felt this part of me that was mature but also serious and somewhat bitter - or not cheerful (like wisdom --> sadness kind of thing) ... like what I felt (a bit milder) yesterday in JYM worship...a battle ... white horses and archangels racing toward the beast and his army ... clash! Divine war. The blazing eyes' sight surpasses all the secrets of darkness and the sword of truth pierces through all the power of evil!!! O_O

I was just listening to the vocalist songs just now. The songs that the vocalist ppl in JYM who were in the course sang. They were nice. Nicer than I thought they were. In the midst of listening - which kind of brought me away from thinking of school to "be in another world" - I had this very short but wonderful glimpse of God's beauty. It was awsome. Something I never experienced / felt in a long time. Months.

:) I should be studying now. Haiz. I starting to get worried about my preparation for As.

Kenneth