I havent posted for a long time. 

I'm going to write a "personal recount" of today for me.

E3 Service Worship time was good for me. I think I really felt the fullness of worship. It was really like worshipping in spirit and truth.

I had repented, and my sin was washed away. I was too engrossed in studies the entire week. 1st of all 1.5 weeks ago I received my Term 1 Exam results. It was bad. And it demoralised me. Then a few days later I felt that I "lost some intelligence" ("became" dumber). And I felt that way until yesterday. I know its quite impossible to "lose intelligence" but I felt that it was like that. Its the first time I felt like that. Its the first time which I questioned my intelligence and thought its not just my mind playing tricks on me. But everything suddenly seemed harder to understand. I felt lousy. Sometimes I couldn't do questions even after trying to for a long time- which weren't supposed to be very hard. That moments made me angry. I asked God for help. I asked for it many times and asked for it often- to an extent that made me feel that my prayers did not work.

I realised I still "hold" some part of my identity in studies. Not just on getting good grades but also on being smart and perceptive. I yearned for human glory. 

And also, self-esteem is a weak point of mine. Maybe the devil made use of it and made me think negatively about myself. And as Ryan told me, I should think of God also as a loving father who desires so much to have intimacy with us and make us happy, rather than just a Disciplinarian who hates sin. Thinking of God like that makes me feel unworthy, 'hitting' that weakness I have.

But I shall not let the Devil have a foothold on it! As a Christian, my purpose in life (even in heaven) is to worship God. In all my struggles, God is always there. And the further we feel we are from God, the more he is there waiting for us to open the door (I'm not certain about this statement). Whatever happens, God allows it to. God is in control of everything. I should just study hard and leave the results totally to God.

I thought of that yesterday. In the process I asked myself, "If God took away all my intellect, will I still follow him?" I thought of that upon recalling what Ryan said about what was happening in his life. If God took away something so dear to you, will you still follow him? Just 2 weeks ago Aunty Carolin said in her sermon in JYM, "If what you treasure most at this point in time was taken away, would you still be satisfied (in Christ)?" In Cell Group we also talked a bit about it. At that point, I didn't recognise the pain there could be if our "treasure" was taken away. Yesterday I recognised it (not for the 1st time, I just "recalled" it). I confessed my sin. But I'd say I didn't completely repent, until today.

I was reading the small book we got in church today: "The Passion of Christ"

The 1st page says "No moments in history deserve more quiet reflection than the hours of Jesus' suffering just before His death. The angels of heaven must have gone silent as the Lord of the universe suffered in dimensions far greater than could ever be portrayed on any big screen or reenactment."

Since a long time ago, I had the impression that Jesus went through the 2nd death- i.e. Jesus experienced "Hell". But I asked people in Church in DG and elsewhere, and they all seemed to disagree. Even Pastor Henry didn't think Jesus went through the 2nd Death. But as I read this book I thought maybe I was right. Maybe Jesus went through not only the 1st Death but the 2nd as well. Jesus experienced "separation of the soul from the body" as well as "separation from God". Quoting from page 5, 

"When people reject the Gospel, they remain spiritually dead. And when they enter eternity, alone and without Christ, they experience 'the second death' (Rev. 20:14). This eternal separation from God forms the essence of hell. Therefore, when Paul said that God made Jesus 'to be sin for us,' he meant that God treated his sinless Son as if he was a sinner. He caused Jesus to experience physical death and the desolation of hell (the second death).  ...   We see Jesus 'overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death' (Mt. 26:38). ... He had often spent long evenings talking with and finding strength in His Father. But this night was different. ... He was not finding satisfaction through prayer. Instead He sensed that His Father was beginning to withdraw from Him. This was the 'cup' he dreaded (v.39). It would be so much easier for Him to suffer the physical pain associated with dying if He could do it while in communion with His Father."

Besides "signs" that suggest Jesus went through the 2nd death, I also thought about the part where Jesus prayed. He prayed very hard in Gethsemane but was not finding satisfaction in doing so. God forsook Jesus. In Mark 15:34 Jesus cries "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" Earlier on in this post I said that I asked God for help and also wasn't finding satisfaction in doing so. (Actually I experienced a major "version" of that in May-June 2008, when my Faith in God was shaken). And I went on to say that God will always be there for us, especially when we don't feel that way. God will never forsake us, but he forsook Jesus. He forsook Jesus even when he was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. And Jesus had chosen to undergo all the pain and shame that awaited Him without the help of His own divine power, without the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and without the support of his heavenly Father. "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7) didn't apply to Jesus at that point.

Let us remind ourselves of the immensity of the suffering that Jesus went through just for us. His love for us is so great and deep. If we were to count the number of thoughts Jesus has of us, it outnumber the grains of sand. Lets prepare our minds for Good Friday and Easter!

We sang this in E3 today- I think.

Its meaningful.

How deep the Father's Love for Us