Umm, thoughts? Hi people.
I haven't been posting much. I realized I haven't been reflecting much either- or at least less than I used to. Maybe its good- I thought too much in the past (2 years ago) and though to a smaller extent maybe I still think too much now (this year in general). But I feel a bit awkward, not having much conclusive thoughts after going to OBS, JYM camp and Mission trip the past month. Reflections are like conclusions of experiences...
I think I do have thoughts though, just that much of them are unconscious thoughts- I don't even know that I'm thinking.

Emceeing. I did that in the Mission Trip just 5 days ago. Kenneth Emceeing? Isn't that like WOw? A month ago I was wondering how I would do it. Many times in secondary school when I go public speaking I make a fool of myself- and many times people dont understand and accept what Im doing- they make fun of me or think Im wierd. I thought a lot about my personality. Got a "Thesis" about myself that "I am not who I am". I came to church in Dec 2006 and really felt freedom out of my pretense state. And now, Emceeing. This could be some "spiritual marker" (just thought of Siyu saying that word while praying after the Christmas partY on Sat) in my life.
Oh so I was saying, I wondered how I would do it. But when I did it (how should I describe how I Emceed?) I wasn't very surprised at myself- I already knew since early 2007 that I had something within me. Transformation starts from the inside.

Well though I didn't feel magical while Emceeing- like God's hand was doing its mighty work (like moving mountains) - I still had this sense of fulfillment "yes i did it, finally". I thought (oh seems- according to what I'm writing- that I'm thinking) "over-sensitive nervous system" --> "lethargy (undermine enthusiasm)" + "out of character" + etc
I felt in good form whenever I was Emceeing.
God allowed me to have / gave me such a "problem". Its not for undermining my performance. God will deliver me when the time comes. I just have to trust him, with ALL my heart (not thinking otherwise at the back of my mind). In doing this I have to let go of my control over myself. But to what extent should I do that? Where should I draw the line? I can't let myself do anything I want. (Does this make sense, don't think I explained properly- can't think of good example)

I received an SMS at 6am in the morning today.
Benjamin Lu : "Hey kenneth, do you want to br my accountability partner for jym? Pray about and see what God tells u? Cause i think we think of the same things. Haha."
That was a bit surprising. I didn't sms him or see him in DG or talk to him much the past few weeks. In DG he overslept last sunday (14 Dec) and this sunday I went to wesley methodist church (in mission trip). Wonder what made him SMS me that...God?
I think what he said about me and him thinking about the same things is quite true though.

N Level results out today. Keith's day. (My brother). He didn't seem scared. He was laughing at his friend on the phone "results only what". It didnt mean much to him since he didnt study much (not much at all). From the looks of it, I thought (and he thought) that English and Math - somewhere between pass and fail, Art - Grade 2 or 3 (more likely 2), Comb Sci Comb Humans and Chinese - confirm Fail. Going to Sec 5 like that was impossible. Even ITE was questionable.

His results were surprising. Really. Grade 4 for Maths and English, 3 for Art, 5 for Science, Humans and Chi Ungraded. 5 for science? He didn't look at any science thing since his prelim till his N levels. He did almost no science homework for the past 2 years. He always complain he doesnt understand teacher teaching- because he doesnt know his fundamentals. Must must some "common sense" or "physics sense" genes he got from my father that made him pass. - Just do the questions like it is common sense (he said something about common sense). He wants to go to NAFA (Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts). Its going to be very hard. Hope his appeal will work. He doesn't want to take private O Levels or repeat N levels. Not very keen on ITE either- he wants Art courses.

While preparing devotions with Aik Hong for the last day of mission trip, I planned to reflect on the mission trip. I felt that there were thoughts somewhere in my head I needed to "solidify" - I skipped the Twilight movie that many people went for to do that. But nothing really came out of it. There were 3 rooms in the hotel which had people that time. 1 had Davin, who was sick in bed, and a few people accompanying him. Another had Ivan alone watch soccer- I dont watch soccer. The last had small phoebe, Kristy, and Jolyn. I went up to that last room because I felt like talking to Kristy and Phoebe- like befriending them. But I didnt know Jolyn was there. Ah, I'm swaying from what I wanted to write. Basically I went to that room and had a hard time doing devotions and reflecting. After a while when I went to Aik Hong's room I continued devtions. The 15 Dec Title was "Never disappointed". I realised (or got reminded, rather) that my biblical head knowledge has become weaker since my promos (JC1 end year exam). I have to do more Bible study. But if I don't have deep thoughts, my understanding of the word wont be that strong... oh I just realised that I was thinking of this (the last sentence) when I was writing about myself not having much thoughts. Ah whatever. Is what I'm writing boring or something? Suddenly thought of that...

Kenneth