Ryan
Joel Pang
Joycelyn
Joel Chua
Gabrielle Loo
Jun Ting
Kenneth
David Quah
Alex
DeborahKenneth:
PW (Project Work) is a subject that everyone takes in JC. Practically everyone has unpleasant experiences with it and that is absolutely not an exception for me. In fact, my PW experience has developed in me a certain anger/frustration that recurs when I'm faced with a similar situation (in the future)- a similar and mild version of e.g. sexually abused people. I would want to keep relationships absent of conflict (being a Christian) and at the same time I feel angry angry angry. There was this pretense thing (a bit) that like workers act as if they are OK with everything in front of their boss or colleague when actually theres a deep anger between them- Enemies. So many things I did was not put in the project (Written Report). This week I think God was testing me again- and I failed this time.
My PW group doesn't really have teamwork. We just send our work to 1 person to consolidate. If the person doesn't understand or see the use of our stuff, he doesn't include it. There are a lot of complications in my project and I think my group members generally don't like me. Less than 1/3 of what I wanted to put in the WR ended up inside. Sometimes the leader asks me to do something which I don't know the context of. I don't know the purpose of it. And sometimes I think we don't need to do it. But when I suggest my opinion, the person (which I talk to, as we dont have meetings with the whole group) just tells me just do what I'm supposed to do. And when I do (not knowing how) it, in the end it is not added in the WR because it is out of point. There are times which I force myself to work (even though my mind cannot take it) and be unproductive for a few hours stoning on the computer and then my brain adapts to it and I start doing things. I spent 15hours on the comp before, in 1 day (within 24 hours) and it was useless. I think I shouldnt continue about this coz its just blabbering about my problems. Maybe I shouldnt have written all that, but anyway...I shan't delete everything.
This Monday, 15 September
On saturday night I asked if we could have a meeting on Monday after school and 2 of my members said ok. After school everyone just seemed to leave, not caring about it. I think I should not say explicitly about this. Anyway when I came home I reflected for an hour at least on myself. "Maybe I'm too assertive that my stuff should be written in the WR...Maybe I'm just pushed by the awful feeling of doing hours and hours of work unpleasantly with sweat, effort, sacrificing homework, quiet time, fun time, rest, ending up for nothing...." I wanted to say sorry to my group members, though I still felt I'm not really in the wrong- that I'm not trying to put blame to other people instead of myself.
Tuesday 16 Sep
When I went to bed to sleep, my anxiety caught up with me. My repressed feelings came out and overwhelmed me with anger and frustration that "instilled" hatred in me. I was sweating on my bed in the air-con for 1-2hours. It was one of those experiences that are irresistible and even God seems to fade away (even as I was doing my quiet time and having communion with God well the past week). Saying to myself "In your anger do not sin, do not be anxious, etc..." was not effective. Didnt work this time, though I supposed to have a strong will in this...its not strong enough....."God will not give you more than you can handle"
The next morning I asked a group member whether we could have a meeting at that moment, about 10mins before assembly- all my group members were in the class. He said, "Why, you havent done your work...." etc and then we had a quarrel. I tried hard to prevent myself from exploding and ya, I didnt explode. The quarrel stopped when assembly came, and I exploded on the inside then and kept everything in. I was utterly pissed off and didnt talk and ignored everyone for a while. One teacher noticed me in class and asked (while teaching the class) me 2 times (roughly) "Kenneth, whats wrong with you, angry ar? Somebody pissed you off or something?" the 2nd time he said, "somebody really ...." I kept quiet.
This 1st time he said it tears formed in my eyes. I cooled down after ~2 hours: the lessons were quite nice.
During recess I just ate a Fan Choi and went to the Library to pray for 30mins (also for the burning of churches and killing of pastors in Banglore). It wasnt very good at 1st because my emotions sort of "got tired".
Today in the morning I thought "GAME OVER", no more A for PW anymore. Someone just shot me in the head. The WR was printed at about 1am last night. (deadline of binded WR is tomorrow 8am). There was an instance when I had a thought, "what is this struggle with having morals being a good Christian thing? Its all fake, I'm the only one doing it...etc." (penetrated into doubt again, but wasnt very "acute" and strong). Quiet Time was my shield. I said a few months ago that I was building a shield for the 2nd half of the year.
Bad PW experience. It may have ugly, subconscious and profound impact on my feelings, judgement (e.g. Way of thinking- pessimism), attitude, triggering of anger/frustration, etc.
I need to recover from this. I need to repent. I haven't truly forgiven everyone. I need to learn these:
25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:25-27
In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent. Psalm 4:4
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent. Psalm 4:4
20If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. John 4:20-21
Oh, I haven't paid the $112 compensation...
Yea, Thats this week for me.